Relating Empathetically – Part 13: Readings – 5
Have you ever gone to church, talked with a number of people, but returned home with the strange feeling that you were all alone or un-cared for? Maybe you spoke to a dozen individuals, yet you shared nothing of real substance with any of them. You didn’t get to know anyone better, and no one made an effort to get close to you.
“How are you?” “You sure look good in that outfit.” “Nice day, isn’t it?” “Work going well?” “Great to see you again.” Talk can be superficial. Though it seems friendly, when all is said and done, there’s not much to latch on to. Some people in the congregation might know your name, where you work, or how many kids you have. But few discover the inner you.
Why do so many of us have difficulty getting past surface talk? Most of us long for deeper relationships. But even if we were to spend an entire evening with a group from the church, we still might come away knowing very little about the other people who were there.
What do people talk about? Sports, movies, television, school, recipes, personalities, books, the weather … the list goes on. But that’s hardly what’s important to us.
So, what seems to be the problem? Part of the difficulty has to do with conversational skills. More specifically, most church people aren’t adept at asking good questions.
Case in point: you’re in church and the minister says, “Would visitors please raise your hands?” In a healthy congregation, that might involve ten or fifteen people. Then the pastor announces, “We’d like to take a few minutes to get to know one another. Would those of you who are regulars please greet our visitors and make them feel at home?”
But too often the conversation goes nowhere. “You’re a visitor?” “Yes.” “First time here, huh?” “That’s right.” “Never been to this church before?” “No.” “Good to have you!” “Thank you.” Sound too familiar? Such exchanges take place time and time again. We just aren’t able to get beyond the old standbys.
Obviously, “Are you a visitor?” could be improved on. Why? Because the person is limited in terms of how he or she can answer. Most likely the response will be, “Yes, I am.” That’s like asking, “How are you?” Most people will say, “Fine, thanks.” Then the exchange dies and another opportunity to get to know someone is gone.
It’s much better to work at asking questions that allow the other person to reveal something more significant. For example, if you ask, “Where do you work?” most likely you’ll get a quick answer. The conversation won’t go anywhere. But, if you add, “… and what’s something you enjoy about your job?” you open a window that can reveal more about that person.
Granted, it’s hard to ask a meaningful question when you only have about thirty seconds to talk to somebody. But everyone should be able to come up with a good question to ask a visitor after the service is dismissed. Rarely does this ever happen, however. Week after week, year after year, some people say the same things over and over. Would you believe it’s common to find longtime members in our churches who still feel like nobody really knows them? Sad, isn’t it?
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Getting Beyond “How Are You?”, David Mains and Melissa Timberlake, Victor Books, pages 5-7.
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Sunday’s coming. Do you have your sermon ready? Is it relevant? Will it effectively motivate your congregation to walk more in step with the Master? What about that Sermon Series you’ve been thinking about?
Or, if you’re someone who plans well ahead, have you asked yourself what you will preach for your Easter Sermon, your Advent Sermon, your Christmas Sermon?
David Mains and Mainstay Ministries can help. We offer a wide variety of Sermon Starters and Full Sermons that will give you Sermon Ideas to help you prepare for regular Saturday or Sunday sermons, Mid-week Bible Sermons, and Sermons for special occasions.
We also offer assistance as you create Topical Sermons, Sermons Series, and sermons for special times of the year. We have resources available to help you with Advent Celebrations, Advent Sermons, Christmas Sermons, Easter Sunday Sermons, Patriotic Sermons, and more.
For more information on how to create better Bible Sermons and how to turn Sermon Ideas into Sermon Outlines, and then into effective, meaningful Sunday Sermons, please click here to visit David Mains’ website.
You will also find a variety of resources for pastors and congregations at the Mainstay Ministries website. Just click here.
